Hold Me

Just when you think you have something beat. It comes back.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I struggle with lust and drinking. I hate that sometimes I want to get sloshed until I can not feel my face. I hate that I find myself lusting over women who are not my wife.

But they are still there. Today I went and played golf. I loved it. I was really craving a cold beer. I saw the beer cart start my way. The struggle in me began until I almost wanted to puke. All of a sudden she turned and went a different way. I was glad and mad at the same time.

As I was telling Liz latter of my failure and struggle she asked was it around 12:45? I told her yes. She said she got a message that she was being prayed for at that time. She told this friend she did not know if it what it was for. I began to weep.

God loves me. Also, God likes me.

God help me to stay pure and sober. Forgive me for my failures and short comings. Help me to remember that you love me furiously. Thank you for letting me run to you and be held.

I am tired

I have just about worked in to a frazzle. I am tired and exhausted to the point where I forget things.

I have to find the balance of when to stop and when to keep going.

I love what I do.

I got to eat lunch with a pastor friend today who is a wonderful man. He inspires me to be a better person. (Thank you James)

As I sit here rambling on I am listening to Brennan Manning. I love his guy. He has help me to learn that not only does God Love me, he actually likes me.

Short note - but wanted to put it down.

Reflection

Brennan Manning has a way to make me look at myself and my walk. Brennan Manning tried all sorts of things to try and make God Love him. He finally discovered that God has a furious love for him, they way he was.

I am learning that lesson. I am learning that Abba is mine, and I am His. I belong to Abba. He desires me.

I have thought of going and doing for God, to have God love me more....but I dont have to do those things. God loves me like I am. He loves me with my scars, imperfections, weaknesses and sins.

I belong to Abba, He loves me.

I have returned

I have been asked about blogging again.

I had given it up for a while after I got in a bit of trouble. No I will not write on here what it was. Just know that what I did will not happen again.

The last couple of days have been really cool. I got to have lunch with two couples from Rose Heights. They are dear friends who have always been special to Liz and I. I told them that being around them makes me miss pastoring.

I do want to pastor again as I have said. I still have a vision of working with a small rural church in a bi-vocational setting. Will see how that works out. I will leave it to God.

Today in my Sunday school class our Executive Pastor Fritz Hager came by...no pressure. I got to talk to him a few minutes. Seems like a very cool guy. He is a West Point Grad. I need to swap book stories with him. He has done and lived things I have only read about.

Well off to bed. I am finishing a book by Nelson Demille then I have a new (new to me) book by Brennan Manning I am going to read.