My Sins, My Sins My Savior

What an Easter. My first in several years where I was not a pastor. Many emotions. While at Wal-mart today I pondered or more closely, was ambushed by my sinful nature. That thing that I so wanted to be gone from me. That thorn, that chain, that thing.....Actually there are two of them. One often used to mask or as an excuse for the other. Sometimes they work together. Sometimes they work alone. Sometimes one will disappear for a while and I think "finally, it is gone." But there it is.

The last several years in full time ministry I could not tell anyone about them. I had to pretend they are not there. Early on I tried to mention it as an aid to someone and was told to never tell anyone about it. You cant be in ministry if you have that thing. Even if you have this thing, tell no one. I have even asked other ministers about this. One even told me that if he knew that one of his staff had one of these problems he could not allow them to work as a minister. "It would just look bad" is what he said.

Any idea how lonely it can be to walk around day after day, year after year and not be able to openly ask someone to pray for you about your thing? (except my wife, who knows all and knows everything...thank God for her.)

The night before my final Sunday at Rose Heights I stayed up most the night reading the biography of Rich Mullins. What release he felt when he could admit publicly that he struggled with a specific sin. He feared rejection, and was by some. But most embraced him and loved him.

So what are my two things that I have following me around? Drinking and Lust. So before I explain, I have not taken a drink in almost 10 years. I have never cheated on my wife. I have not had an affair. I am not hooked on porn.

But often, like today, I have to pray though and fight lustful thoughts. They happen at the most inconvenient time. Often times I literally have to get up and leave where I am so I can pray that God will deliver me. I go and tell my wife, the only person I have been able to tell, that I am battling this thing called lust.

About the drinking? There are times when the craving and desire so over comes me I wind up in tears. I want to just simply get tore up. I want to get a 12 pack and drink every bit of it until I cant feel my face. It is really bad when you are out of town and "no one would know" and the stuff is all over the place.....Some times the battle leaves me bruised. By the Grace my God, I have not given in. But I must admit, it is not easy. I have been at weddings where there is drinking, I smell it and I want it. But I cant do it. I have had to get in the car and just leave.

Do I think drinking alcohol is wrong in and of it self? No. But for me it is. I know that if I go down that road, there is no good that can come from it. I know people that can have a beer or a margarita and that be it. Me? I want the whole pitcher. I want every drop I can get.

I know there will be repercussions from writing this. Some will use it as an excuse to reject me and write me off. I cant help that. But maybe this will help someone. I leave that to God.

Below is the words to an old him I sang to myself in Wal-mart today.

John S. B. Mon­sell, Hymns of Love and Praise, 1863.

My sins, my sins, my Savior!
They take such hold on me,
I am not able to look up,
Save only, Christ, on Thee;
In Thee is all forgiveness,
In Thee abundant grace,
My shadow and my sunshine
The brightness of Thy face.

My sins, my sins, my Savior!
How sad on Thee they fall;
Seen through Thy gentle patience,
I tenfold feel them all;
I know they are forgiven,
But still, their pain to me
Is all the grief and anguish
They laid, my Lord, on Thee.


My sins, my sins, my Savior!
Their guilt I never knew
Till with Thee in the desert
I near Thy passion drew;
Till with Thee in the garden
I heard Thy pleading prayer,
And saw the sweat-drops bloody
That told Thy sorrow there.

Therefore my songs, my Savior,
E’en in this time of woe,
Shall tell of all Thy goodness
To suff’ring man below;
Thy goodness and Thy favor,
Whose presence from above
Rejoice those hearts, my Savior,
That live in Thee and love.