Vanity

I love the song "Your So Vain" by Carly Simon...

The line about "clouds in the coffee" I thought she said "clowns in the copy"...

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (so vain)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Grand Torino

Today I had the day off and watched the movie Grand Torino.

As I watched the movie (which is Rated R) I began to draw a spiritual lesson from it. I did not start out my day to come up with a sermon illustration or devotion point....but there It was.

It is the story of an old soldier (Walt), who hates what his world has become. He is grumpy. He is a bigot. He is a widower. He is basically pissed at how things have become.

He is pursued by people who care for him before he cares for them. His priest goes after him non stop. His neighbors who are Hmongs go after him. They reach out to him to care for him. He does everything he can to offend his priest and his Hmong neighbors.

He sees his Hmong neighbors being hurt. Walt gets his rifle he carried in the Korean War and stands up for them. He begins to have a crack in that hard exterior and starts to care for them in his own way. As the story goes on his new found friends are hurt further. They are unable to stand up for them selves.

Walt decides he must stand in the gap for those who can not defend themselves. He goes to his priest who has never given up on him and seeks comfort. Walt then goes and gives his life to protect the weak.

St. James wrote that pure religion in the sight of God is to defend those who can not defend themselves (my paraphrase).

I think as Christ followers we have to be the people that pursue the Walt's in our lives. We also need to be the Walt's who lay down their lives to help those who can not help them selves.

Hold Me

Just when you think you have something beat. It comes back.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I struggle with lust and drinking. I hate that sometimes I want to get sloshed until I can not feel my face. I hate that I find myself lusting over women who are not my wife.

But they are still there. Today I went and played golf. I loved it. I was really craving a cold beer. I saw the beer cart start my way. The struggle in me began until I almost wanted to puke. All of a sudden she turned and went a different way. I was glad and mad at the same time.

As I was telling Liz latter of my failure and struggle she asked was it around 12:45? I told her yes. She said she got a message that she was being prayed for at that time. She told this friend she did not know if it what it was for. I began to weep.

God loves me. Also, God likes me.

God help me to stay pure and sober. Forgive me for my failures and short comings. Help me to remember that you love me furiously. Thank you for letting me run to you and be held.

Well it has happened

I got a letter today from the Administrative Bishop of Texas. Since I am violating my "Ministerial Covenant" by not tithing at a church of God and attending the nearest Church of God..." he "must take action regarding the revocation of your ministry...."

I thought the wording was interesting.

I have met with the Sr. Pastor at Bethel. I am still credentialed with them.

I have not ill feelings towards the church of God. I hope that millions of souls are saved and churches are planted all over the world by the work they do.

I will continue to be obedient to what I believe God has called me to do.

Father I trust you. I surrender to your will.

The Wisdom of Tenderness

Brennan Manning is one of my favorite people. Like me he has struggled with some things. His cost him his priesthood. He was able to recover and continue serving God.

His book I am reading now is called the Wisdom of Tenderness. There is a quote in it that really blew me away.

"It's more important to be a mature Christian than to be a great butcher or baker or candlestick-maker; and if the only chance to achieve the first is to fail at the second, the failure will have proved worthwhile. Isn't failure worthwhile if it teaches us to be gentle with the failure of others, to be patient, to live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness, and to pass that tenderness on to others? If we're always successful, we may get so wrapped up in our own victories that we're insensitive to the anguish of others; we may fail to understand (or even try to understand) the human heart; we may think of success as our due. Then later, if our little world collapses through death or disaster, we have no inner resources."

Think on that a while.....

Flash Back

Got to hang out with some dear friends today. Bro Peterson who let me preach at his church when I was in Seminary and his wife Linda, daughter Kristi and her two girl Kimmer and Kinsey came over from Corsicanna. We hung out at Chik Fil A and visited for 3 hours or more. It was great.

We covered a world of topics. Shared memories and laughs. It was awesome.

God is so good that He allows good friends to fellowship and share. It is what the church should look like. Believers building each other up. Believers united by the Holy Spirit.

Stay close to your friends in the faith. Share time with each other with no agenda. No lights, sound, smoke machines, just life.

My Sins, My Sins My Savior

What an Easter. My first in several years where I was not a pastor. Many emotions. While at Wal-mart today I pondered or more closely, was ambushed by my sinful nature. That thing that I so wanted to be gone from me. That thorn, that chain, that thing.....Actually there are two of them. One often used to mask or as an excuse for the other. Sometimes they work together. Sometimes they work alone. Sometimes one will disappear for a while and I think "finally, it is gone." But there it is.

The last several years in full time ministry I could not tell anyone about them. I had to pretend they are not there. Early on I tried to mention it as an aid to someone and was told to never tell anyone about it. You cant be in ministry if you have that thing. Even if you have this thing, tell no one. I have even asked other ministers about this. One even told me that if he knew that one of his staff had one of these problems he could not allow them to work as a minister. "It would just look bad" is what he said.

Any idea how lonely it can be to walk around day after day, year after year and not be able to openly ask someone to pray for you about your thing? (except my wife, who knows all and knows everything...thank God for her.)

The night before my final Sunday at Rose Heights I stayed up most the night reading the biography of Rich Mullins. What release he felt when he could admit publicly that he struggled with a specific sin. He feared rejection, and was by some. But most embraced him and loved him.

So what are my two things that I have following me around? Drinking and Lust. So before I explain, I have not taken a drink in almost 10 years. I have never cheated on my wife. I have not had an affair. I am not hooked on porn.

But often, like today, I have to pray though and fight lustful thoughts. They happen at the most inconvenient time. Often times I literally have to get up and leave where I am so I can pray that God will deliver me. I go and tell my wife, the only person I have been able to tell, that I am battling this thing called lust.

About the drinking? There are times when the craving and desire so over comes me I wind up in tears. I want to just simply get tore up. I want to get a 12 pack and drink every bit of it until I cant feel my face. It is really bad when you are out of town and "no one would know" and the stuff is all over the place.....Some times the battle leaves me bruised. By the Grace my God, I have not given in. But I must admit, it is not easy. I have been at weddings where there is drinking, I smell it and I want it. But I cant do it. I have had to get in the car and just leave.

Do I think drinking alcohol is wrong in and of it self? No. But for me it is. I know that if I go down that road, there is no good that can come from it. I know people that can have a beer or a margarita and that be it. Me? I want the whole pitcher. I want every drop I can get.

I know there will be repercussions from writing this. Some will use it as an excuse to reject me and write me off. I cant help that. But maybe this will help someone. I leave that to God.

Below is the words to an old him I sang to myself in Wal-mart today.

John S. B. Mon­sell, Hymns of Love and Praise, 1863.

My sins, my sins, my Savior!
They take such hold on me,
I am not able to look up,
Save only, Christ, on Thee;
In Thee is all forgiveness,
In Thee abundant grace,
My shadow and my sunshine
The brightness of Thy face.

My sins, my sins, my Savior!
How sad on Thee they fall;
Seen through Thy gentle patience,
I tenfold feel them all;
I know they are forgiven,
But still, their pain to me
Is all the grief and anguish
They laid, my Lord, on Thee.


My sins, my sins, my Savior!
Their guilt I never knew
Till with Thee in the desert
I near Thy passion drew;
Till with Thee in the garden
I heard Thy pleading prayer,
And saw the sweat-drops bloody
That told Thy sorrow there.

Therefore my songs, my Savior,
E’en in this time of woe,
Shall tell of all Thy goodness
To suff’ring man below;
Thy goodness and Thy favor,
Whose presence from above
Rejoice those hearts, my Savior,
That live in Thee and love.

Waiting

I don't do well at this. I know patience is a fruit of the spirit. It is something I have had to always work on. If I have some thing to do, I do it. Maybe I am just OCD. I like to be busy, knowing what is expected and then do it. But sitting around waiting on someone else and not knowing what the outcome will be, well honestly it drives me nuts.

ARGH!!!!!!! God help me to not go nuts. Help me to display the fruit of the spirit. Real fruit that has taken time to grow and is plucked in the proper season.

BTW - the doves sang me to sleep last night. (Zephahiah 3:16-20)

On the Wings of a Dove

On the wings of a snow white Dove, God sends His pure sweet love, a sign from above,,,,on the wings of a dove.

Joy & Pain

Some days are like sunshine, and others are like rain.

Some days are filled with the joys of the ministry. Doing life with people. Being with hem as they go through the trials and difficulties of this sinful world. Rejoicing when they do well. Visiting them while they are ill. Being able to help with tangible things. Praying with and for them to have strength and peace.

Some days are just gut wrenching. Watching someone struggle. Seeing people dabble with sin. Seeing people forget that they are bought with a price. I want to cry as I encounter those who for what ever reason are on the edge of poverty not only physically but spiritually also.

Some days, these are the same day. Going from Joy to Pain in the same day, sometimes within an hour. This can be very difficult on someone who has a struggle with depression.

Update on dad

What a day. Today starts out to be a good day. A few unexpected events and conversations. But that I guess that is life. It does go to prove, that no good deed will go un punished.

But such is life.

I went to dad's dr appointment. He showed us the spots in dad's gut that have these weak vessels that are bleeding. They have increased dad's iron intake. The GI doc thinks that they can maintain dad's hemoglobin by helping produce more than he loses. BUT,

To fix dad's heart they have to thin his blood. So the GI doc said one option is to go down dad's throat with a long scope and a laser and burn those vessels. BUT, they can not do that in Tyler, he would have to go to Dallas to do that.

Dr. Radford then got on to dad pretty good about drinking. Dr Radford said that its one thing for the Dr's to jump through hoops to try and help, but if you will not do your part then what good are we doing?

Dad just sat there and listened. You could tell he was uncomfortable. I was too. AWKWARD!!!

I love dad, but dad has to do his part. Maybe he will listen to Dr. Radford.